i heart hollyoaks

In a nutshell? Darren sunk to record-breaking depths, losing his half of The Dog to Warren in a poker match. But this time, there was no hiding his shame. His whole catalogue of wrongdoings was finally exposed, including being caught red-handed pawning Frankie’s ring. Overwhelmed, poor Jack had a heart attack. He’s already recovered from the coronary, but it’s going to take a bit longer to get over his heartache.

Meanwhile, the mysterious newcomer Niall seems to have a very personal interest in the McQueens (but then again, don’t we all?). With Myra and her mum talking about a secret adoption many years back, it doesn’t take a genius to work out what that interest might be.

We can all breather a sigh of relief now that Beth and Gilly have both boarded the plane to Thailand. But we’re not likely to be let off that easily, are we? Characters may leave Hollyoaks, but they come back too. Which leads us to wonder where John Paul’s text message from Craig might be leading?

So stay tuned for a big round-up on the last four days worth of missed commentary in the lead-up to Christmas.

Two of my biggest obsessions satisfied in a single evening! What more could a teen soap blogger ask for?

With Christmas almost upon us, all hell is going to break loose on Hollyoaks this week. Unfortunately, I’m jetting off to Sicily for a few days - so you won’t be hearing from me for a few days.

But I’ll be back before Christmas for a big round-up, I promise.

But there’s no harm in the odd little teaser of a tidbit, is there? Someone very famous is going to be appearing as themselves in Hollyoaks in January. He may not be the coolest celeb. His appearance may take the average age of the cast to dizzying new heights. But he’s definitely known the world over. And there are two ladies on Hollyoaks who’ve give an arm and a leg to work with him.

<ding, ding>

In the red corner, Jake Dean. Perennial scuzzbucket, with the emotional IQ of a chimp. He’s a homophobe, he’s a convicted drunk-driving killing machine. (Oh yeah, and he’s MENTAL, remember?) He’s Jaaaaaake Dean!!!

<ding, ding>

In the blue corner, Darren Osborne. His favourite outfit is a fishnet-style wife-beater (that’s what they call string vests on the other side of the Atlantic - tres poetic, don’t you think?), with enough ’gold effect’ jewellery to stock every Asda jewellery counter in the UK. He’s a gambler, cheater, liar and all-round snake. Daaarrrren Osborne!!!

Who’s more evil? I’m torn, I really am.

Tina, on the other hand? I guess it’s a case of once a McQueen, always a slut. But deciding to dump Dom? Granted, he’s not the most exciting of partners. But where else is she going to find a blanket wet enough to match her own personality? Think twice, Tina, think twice.

Meanwhile, what’s with Kris and his constantly morphing sexuality? Once upon a time, there was some suggestion that he was gay. Then bisexual. But now, he seems to be going completely straight? Who knows? But I do know that I’m not really buying the Summer loving. Why does he always go for the posh ones?

Ste is, as usual, on the wrong side of the law. Carmel, on the other hand, has decided to cross to the other side of the thin blue line. Will it last? Not if the McQueen family history is anything to go by. But at least plenty of comic relief is sure to follow.

First, a round-up of last week’s happenings. Rhys and Beth’s incestuous love continues to simmer under the surface, despite her growing romance with Gilly. Jess and Darren’s tryst became public knowledge in the cruellest - and most entertaining - of ways, broadcast over the radio waves for all to hear. Never mind, though - psycho mum Barnes helped Zoe dish up a nice steaming bowl of revenge. Meanwhile, Merecedes decided to go ahead with her abortion after all, rather than opting for the neat and convenient charade of pretending to be a surrogate mum instead of an adulterous so-called sister. Leaving Tina in the hotseat over whether to step in as surrogate sister, despite Dom’s pleas for her not to. And finally, Jake’s continues to play the spoiled brat in his jealousy over Nancy and her life outside to the flat.

Phew!