i heart hollyoaks

Big, big revelations last week. First up - Tina. Now, try and keep up. First, Mercedes gets pregnant with Tony’s baby. But instead of taking the obvious way out and agreeing to be a surrogate and pretending to be pregnant by artificial insemination (rather than good old-fashioned adulterous insemination), she has an abortion. Then Tina agrees to be a surrogate, only…

RUSS IS THE FATHER! So that makes two cheating sisters, one baby - but one that still doesn’t have either Jacquie or Tony’s DNA! Seriously, seriously twisted.

Meanwhile, Michaela’s finally blown the lid on Beth and Rhys’ incestuous canoodling. But in typical fashion, no one believes her! And they’re not buying her story (true though we know it to be) about being injected with heroin, either. Poor old Michaela! Taking the blame for everyone else’s lies. Still, that’s what you get for being a blabbermouth.

Last but not least, the Baby Diegos are back in town! But they’ll never be the same without the Amy Josh partnership. It’s like The Beatles without Lennon McCartney, innit? A reunion seems unlikely, what with Amy being busy lying about her baby having leukaemia. It’s a full-time job, you know!

So good to be back.

So you’ll have to commiserate with your other Hollyoaks-watching friends, until we get back. And while you’re chatting to them, remember to tell them about our humble little blog!

Here’s a tip: if you can’t remember the address, you just have to google ‘i heart hollyoaks’. Magic!

Calm down dear, it’s only a soap opera. Frankie’s flown seriously off the handle. She’s so difficult to read! One minute she’s seeing sense and reaching out, the next she’s going ballistic and spouting ten kinds of crap.

Well, I guess Jake had to get it from somewhere. Who thought Stephanie de la Dean would turn out to be the sane one!

We don’t count Newt, of course. He’s not blood. But I’m starting to suspect that his hairstyle might be alive. Have you noticed that beehive growing? It’s almost 3/4 of a Winehouse, now! Hey, maybe they’re just re-using the beehive Amy Barnes used to wear in her Baby Diego days?…

We all know Hollyoaks has the best music of any soap - or show of any genre, really. Well this Easter, those geniuses have pulled together a line-up of signed (The Guillemots) and unsigned acts who are going to be performing from The Dog and The Loft. And the McQueens will be interviewing all the acts!

Yet another blurring of fiction and fact. It’s genius, we love it!

Maybe he’ll decide to stick with Hollyoaks for a bit longer after all?

We hope so.

Now he’s dead, now he’s not. Now he’s dead, now he’s not. It’s Jake the Incredible Vanishing Psycho. But the question is, what was he doing in the car, if he wasn’t trying to kill himself? Just taking a light afternoon nap? He just thought to himself, ‘ooh this kidnapping lark really takes it out of you, I’ll just catch a few winks.”

But where’s he vanished to now, and when will he rear his ugly head again? At least there’s no way he can get his grubby hands on Charlie now, at least. Well, not legally, at any rate.

Now, let’s be frank for a second. Andrew Lloyd Webber wasn’t exactly the coolest guest star ever to grace our soap screens. But at least you’ve got to have respect his talent and professional reputation. 

But has he opened the floodgates? Word on the street is that David Gest is the latest ’celebrity’ to be keen to make a guest appearance! P-U-K-E!

Let’s hope this is just another of those unfounded rumours. But who would he play? Another long lost McQueen, maybe? Or maybe another EMO friend for Newt and Lauren? 

Personally, I blame the parents - both the psychobitch and her punching bag. 

I’m talking, of course, of Ste and Amy. The difference is, we’ve come to expect it of Ste. As if almost dying in a car crash because of Ste weren’t enough, as if being saddled with a baby because of Ste weren’t enough. Now he decides to lie about Leah having leukaemia, and she sticks by him!

Bad Amy. Bad, bad Amy.

Still, Carmel seems to bring out a better side in him that Louise ever did. Come to think of it, Louise has pretty much managed to ruin Warren’s likeability, too.

But I digress. Carmel’s the real story. We’ve loved her from the second she stepped on the scene, and now she’s finally found a man of her own. Go Carmel!